"Don't Think About It": A Thought Piece

I've heard it, read it, thought it, and said it to myself, countless times:

"Don't think about it. Just don't think about The Great Wait."

As of the date of this post, Johan and I are 8.5 months into our wait.  And we expect to wait another 5 months before receiving a decision.  We have come to a place of peace about that.  But still, there are good days and there are bad days.

I wonder: How do you not think about something that your whole life revolves around?  Suppose you would say to a Swede in the dead of winter, "Don't think about the sun." Suppose you would tell a hungry child on the street, "Don't think about food."  Suppose you would tell a house in the shadow of a forest fire, "Don't think about water." Suppose you would tell a new parent, "Don't think about sleep."

Before I get too deep into this, I will say without a doubt that dwelling on an undetermined wait period can and very well might drive you mad.  As I mentioned in The Swedish Sambo Visa Process Part 5, whether time seems to pass slowly or fast, its pace doesn't actually change; it's just our perception that does. And focusing on waiting on anything, certainly guarantees it will feel longer than it actually is.  There are times when occupying your mind with something more constructive than anxiously obsessing over a wait, is very much necessary and warranted.  Usually when you feel intolerable anxiety or suffering, that's when you know it's time to regain control and get a better look at the bigger picture.  Acknowledge you will, in fact, survive this wait. Regroup.  

But, I also chafe against the notion that we should strive always to "not think about it"...

Even if thinking about it causes distress.  Even if thinking about it brings us to a place of complaining about the same thing, to people who couldn't change a damn thing even if they wanted to.  Beyond the catharsis that comes with venting our frustrations to a [friend / family member / pet / diary / jogging path / bottle of wine / entire chocolate cake (don't judge!)], there comes an element of strength in being weak against a wait that can bring us to our knees.

Strength in weakness.

It seems oxymoronic - that there might be strength in weakness - but it exists all around us.  Often times fragility is a great source of inspiration. There is honesty in weakness.  There is an undeniable quality of the human condition in a person who is being broken by something he wants so very badly, but has little control over. Think, for instance, of your favorite movie characters.  William Wallace in Braveheart, for example.  Or Frodo in Lord of the Rings.  Harry Potter. These all have been broken by a tragedy, which they did not let harden them.  Instead, they became predisposed to the human condition of caring about something enough to be willing to suffer for it, and that ultimately brought the strength needed in order to complete the task in the end.

We are all suffering in this Great Wait.  There are days when I can preach to all who will listen, the merit of fighting the good fight, being strong and holding steady, staying positive, keeping one's chin up and trying to find ways to occupy the time so as not to make it a complete waste.

....but, that doesn't mean there isn't a time and place of neurotic exasperation, because you know what?  1.5 years is a really long time.  Especially when you haven't even entered the rabbit hole yet.  The Great Wait isn't just painful because we miss our loved one.  It isn't just maddening thinking about how a government can stretch out for 14+ months a decision that so easily could be made in 3 days.  It's painful because every aspect of life is being affected by a wait period that is unpredictable in length. And aggravating for those of us already with jobs willing to let us work from a distance, leaving us eager and ready to become immediate tax payers, sitting back to wait for "due course".

One of the many wedding dresses I tried on.

Johan and I decided a few weeks ago to cancel our wedding, and postpone it until Summer 2016.  It was originally planned for 19 December 2015 at my friend's craftsman bungalow on the beach in Los Angeles.  It was scheduled for just after our 11th month of waiting, and we had originally thought that surely we would have our paperwork by then.  We chose the date because we figured Johan and his family could spend Christmas with mine, our wedding could double as my going away party, and then after all of it, I would take my one-way flight to Sweden.

But after the European Migration Crisis went into full effect, we decided it wasn't worth risking having a wedding only to be separated again without our paperwork. What kind of wedding would that be?  It would be the most depressing day of them all.  Not to mention, year-end work issues began to crop up, and more news reports were surfacing about the potential Godzilla El Niño that would surely have rained on our parade.  So, perhaps it was a good thing that we had to reschedule.  Who knows.

Speaking as a couple whose very first flight to meet each other in 2010 was cancelled by a world-ending volcano eruption, we have taken submissively to the harrows of mother nature -- and unforeseeable calamities, alike.

As it stands right now though, my whole life is on hold.  Although I am hopeful my work will continue to stand by me and allow me to work full-time from a distance as they have in the past, I have nonetheless had to keep all of this a secret from them until I have proof in hand that I am free to move. Since there is still a chance that my work may decide this is more of a hassle than they care to endure, I don't want to risk jeopardizing my employment until I am allowed to move - and this just all makes it hard for me to plan my future without fully knowing what my employment situation may be. I have moved home to my parent's house to save money on the off-chance that my work chooses to release me when I move to Sweden -- I want to have a minimum of 2 years' worth of salary saved up to give me time to find foreign employment -- but because of this, I have lost my space, my autonomy, and my beloved cat who I had to adopt out to a previous roommate (she was more than just a pet; she helped me cope through various scary and challenging times in my life.  I will always owe a debt of gratitude for what her companionship meant to me).  Much has changed, all in the name of love and good preparation, but I have very little peace in my life, and it stresses me out a lot. I am torn between two places and have no sense of belonging at this point.

So, is the solution to just "not think about it"? Sometimes.  But other times, I like to spend my anxious times reflecting on how proud I will be once I've seen this through to the end.  I like to spend my time understanding the pain, and just living in the moment with it, and contemplating how others must feel in different or similar situations -- it breeds empathy. A million times over, it is worth it.  There is something to be gained by playing a conscious role in reasoning with your own heart.  You both ask the hard questions, and you answer them.  You run from nothing, and have nothing handed to you.  You are your own source of both pain, and comfort.  You are both child and parent.  You come to understand two perfectly opposite sides of the coin, at the same time. And I like to think about why I am feeling the way I am -- why I am bothering to go through this in the first place. Because every time I think about why I still put myself through this torture, it puts such a smile on my face because I know it is all worth it.

Thinking about why this wait brings me so much despair, actually reminds me of how absolutely grateful I am to have found my one person on this planet that makes life worth living.

Perhaps the wisdom in actively acknowledging the pain of missing someone and being stuck in some god-awful queue, actually comes from being able to see the value in it; finding a true appreciation for the wait by forcing yourself to see things in a positive light.  Assuredly if one could master the skill of finding great value in enduring great stress, they could survive any circumstance much better than others?

***

A Vignette:

Pencil lead.  It is made of a soft, smudgy substance called graphite. Graphite is an allotrope of carbon; that is to say, it is purely made of carbon, but its constitution is effected by the way the carbon atoms are arranged.  In Graphite's case, the carbon is loosely arranged into neat, horizontal, crystalline sheets.  Also an allotrope of carbon, is charcoal. Charcoal is also soft, black, smudgy and otherwise unappealing, and it's atoms are arranged in chaotic non-crystalline structures.

But also in this family are diamonds.  Diamonds are an allotrope of carbon.  They are constituted of the exact same substance as coal, charcoal, soot, and pencil lead: 100% carbon.  But diamonds are crystal-clear, brilliantly strong (one of the strongest substances on earth, in fact!) and equally as valuable.

So what's the difference between pencil lead and diamonds, one might ask?  Again, it is in the arrangement of the atoms. One can very much turn pencil lead into a diamond (it's called a synthetic diamond).  But in order to do so without highly sophisticated technology, you would need to bury graphite about 100 miles (161 km) under ground, heat it to 2,200*Fahrenheit (1,204*Celsius), subject it to pressure to the tune of 725,000 lbs per square inch (50,973 kilograms per square centimeter), and then rush it to Earth's surface to rapidly cool down.

Basically, the only way to turn grime into a goldmine, is through indescribable heat and pressure.

Confucius once said: 

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." 

And so we see that as in nature, so also is it in man's heart, that great struggle brings with it the potential for great value. Suppose we may be cheating ourselves by "not thinking about it".  Suppose that, maybe, some of us were meant to think on it a great deal, to seek the wisdom that fighting through pain can afford?

Don't feel bad for "thinking about it", and take people's advice of such with a grain of salt.  Understand they are only trying to help you by numbing your pain.  If you need to be numbed, then by all means, step away and try to divert yourself.  But if you are feeling the need to dwell on The Great Wait and stew in the consciousness of what you are enduring, don't cheat yourself from the wisdom that actively fighting through it can bring.