The Swedish Sambo Visa in 2015 Part 5: The Science of Waiting (6 Things I Learned in the First 6 Months)

After 6 months of waiting, I did a lot of reflecting on my 3 hour drive to San Diego to do my interview in July, and I wrote some notes about everything I had learned about myself and my relationship with Johan during the first leg of The Great Wait.  In no particular order, they are as follows:

1.  You will, in fact, survive this wait.  You won't, in fact, die.  

If I'm to be perfectly dramatic, I now know a small, tiny fraction of what it might feel like to be an Army wife. Except that their separation may cause death, irreparable damage, or psychological injury to one of them.  On more occasions than I'd like to even confess, I found myself comforted by knowing that if they can do it, I can do it.  But in that context, c'mon... we can ALL get through this visa wait! 

Whether time passes fast or slowly, the fact of the matter is that it's pace never actually changes; it's your perception that changes.  When you make it to the end of your wait, you will reflect and realize that in the grand scheme of things, what is 9-12 months in the face of eternity?  It is truly nothing! And you still have each other, and all of your visits you can do during the wait.  YOU WILL SURVIVE. And, you know it.  You just don't want to have to go through the tunnel, to find the light.

2.  You must keep your heart completely open during this process, and it will hurt like hell.

The only way to keep your relationship alive, healthy and growing, is to keep your heart wide open and fully capable of loving your partner from a distance.  You cannot shut your heart off, or let it lie dormant, or place emotional distance between you and your partner to save yourself from the misery.  If your relationship is truly worth it, you both will find ways to move mountains in order to maintain that same level of intimacy (emotional, mental, etc - not just physical) as you had when you were together.

Of course, the more open you keep your heart, the more precisely you will feel every bit of stabbing pain from the anxiety, the frustration, and general mental anguish from being apart from your partner.

The most difficult times for Johan and I always have been those anxious moments of being reunited after a break, as if we feared that suddenly our hearts would not restart... and then the devastating moments of saying goodbye, knowing we would have to go through the process of re-learning how to live our lives apart again.  But in those times, Johan always says, "If it didn't hurt this badly, we should be worried." Pain is a good thing.  It reminds you of how hopelessly interconnected your hearts are.

This person is the one to whom you have said, "You are worth it to me". And now is the time to prove that to them, and also to yourself.

3. The Great Wait is only a waste of time if you make it to be.

There is a perfectly good way to make the time pass quickly.  It is to fill every single second of your time apart, trying to get ahead.  

• Begin perfecting your Swedish.  Oh, you already speak it?  Well.  REFINE IT MORE.  Strive to become fluent in your field of occupation.  Sure I can carry a conversation with a heard of 10 year olds like the rest of them, but do you think I can explain the subscription and redemption policy of a Swedish hedge fund to an AIFMD-bound institutional investor in Swedish? That could take me a decade to speak on intellectually.  Don't just try to learn how to say, "Where is the bathroom?".  Don't even aim to get around on your own in the city.  Aim to have a fluency that would put you on the top of a job applicants list for a position that 2,000 other people have applied for, because that is the reality you are facing.

• Get a second job.  Oh, your job pays you really well?? Awesome. Make more money. Oh, your job is going to let you work from a distance when you move to Sweden? Awesome. Make more money.  Oh, your partner is balls deep in cash and you're set for life? Awesome. Make more money. It will occupy your time, bolster your resume, give you a sense of independence, and give you more cash to enjoy in one of the world's most expensive countries.  It will also help offset the shock of double taxation (you have to pay both Swedish and American taxes, regardless of where your employer is, if you are an American), or else will help you float yourself while you try to find a job in Sweden.  Always strive for better.  Just because you're going to the land of free health care doesn't mean you won't have to compete your ass off for a place in the workforce.  START NOW.

• Cross things off your bucket list at home.  This doesn't even have to mean bungy jumping off of the Christchurch bridge or swimming to Alcatraz.  This could mean making amends with friends and estranged family.  It could mean spending quality time with your ailing grandfather in hospice.  It could mean volunteering at that animal shelter because it's something you've always wanted to do, but it always seemed there'd be time to do that any day.  It could mean going on that solo road trip you've dreamed of, or revisit all of those places that had significant meaning to you, and reflect on your life and the decisions you are making. Relish it. Or you could start a blog and offer encouragement to others in your shoes on The Local which I apparently do (too much of!)

• Shed your baggage.  Literally! Fully embrace the "lagom", minimalist way of life.  Not only is this just the standard Modus Operandi of Swedes, but it will make the cost of your move far less painful.  I know how much you love all of your Farberware pots and pans, but the actual cost of simply shipping them across the globe, would likely far outweigh the cost of buying them brand new in Sweden.  Same goes for your appliances - not only are they big, bulky and heavy, but you would need to buy a trillion power converters to get them to work.  And god forbid you are a Vitamix owner, like me.  I will be selling mine to my mom, and I bought a Swedish one this past summer for 6500 kr because I would have needed a literal transformer to make my North American model work in Europe.  Sell or gift your stuff to people in need - and get rid of what you can now, so that your final move will be a lot less messy or emotionally taxing.

• Shed your baggage.  Metaphorically, this time. Try out yoga and meditation because it might also bring you peace during this otherwise god-awful time.  Write.  Learn to play a musical instrument.  Paint.  Find activities you can employ in Sweden during those dark frozen months, when you could conceivably be facing unemployment, while your partner works all day.  Find ways to exorcise your demons, and make them work for you.  Learn a craft from which you can create something meaningful to the world, and to yourself.  Learn how to speak without using words.  That's a language far too few of us can understand:  our own hearts.  Love yourself if you don't already, and learn to enjoy your own company.

• Get your affairs in order.  Pull your credit report and make sure you aren't leaving any stones unturned that will haunt you upon your return.  Pay off as many debts as you can - even if it's just the small ones.  Fewer bills.  Or, try to consolidate debt into a lower interest rate.  Order extra copies of your birth certificate to leave with your mom in case you need them later. Update your resume and consider having it translated. Learn to write a cover letter in the Swedish style.  Take some classes that might help you, or finish your degree.  Return all those things you "borrowed" from [insert friend, sibling, parent, etc.'s name]. Fulfill outstanding promises.  Make sure you don't have to pay fees for breaking any kind of contracts (phone, gym, etc.).  Get a bank account that doesn't charge you foreign transaction fees so you can transfer money from the states to Sweden (I use a Wells Fargo Travel Account).  Monitor exchange rates and buy kronor from your bank for no fees if the dollar is particularly strong.  Pay off parking tickets.  Figure out what to do if you get called into jury duty while you're gone (that's something I still need to look into). Do all of your doctor's appointments, and request copies of all of your medical records. Etcetera.

4.  Do not become a martyr of your circumstance

Let your partner be happy.  There will be days when your partner is happier than you are, and vice versa.  You or they are going to go out with friends, or go to a music festival, or travel to Amsterdam to visit old classmates.  You or they will sign up for adventure races and climb mountains that you both want so desperately to do together.  You or they will go to family reunions, have fika with co-workers, and celebrate holidays at the campgrounds or summer houses.  They will live their life, just as you should be living yours.

Do not allow your depression to infect their soul.  That isn't to say you should keep it all to yourself, but rather to say you must find a way to be happy.  They say happiness is a choice, and that's partly true:  you need to decide for yourself if the darkness is snuffing out your light, and it's time to take back control.  Find that place inside of you where you have peace and acceptance knowing that very soon - sooner than you can imagine - you will be reunited.  As two loving partners, you should both wish the other is able to find some relief and joy in their regular lives.  It will keep your relationship healthy, give you things to talk about, and will be a huge stress reliever for the both of you.  Grow together, but also grow as individuals.  Continue to strive to understand yourself, and make your partner aware that it is healthy for you two to maintain friendships in your own worlds, just as it would be if you were a normal couple living together. Do not neglect yourself and your own happiness.

You are, after all, a mere and replaceable cog in the great wheel of time.  Find strength in the smallness.  Find the beauty in truly realizing the world is bigger than you and your love, no matter how large it feels.  Take joy in this brief, very unique life experience you are living through.  You should be so lucky to know what it feels like to be small, in a society that teaches you only that you are bigger than anything, that you should be bigger than anything, that you deserve to be bigger than anything, that you are doing it wrong if you don't feel big. Many of your contemporaries will never even move out of their birthtowns.  Few will ever know the joy of the love that is costing you great pain in this one moment.  Learn to find happiness in being alive, and your relationship will thrive even in this environment.  

5.  Consider trying the things I mention in my blog post about surviving a Long Distance Relationship.

It may not be an exhaustive list, but it's the top 10 things Johan and I have found helpful in growing a healthy relationship from almost 6,000 miles of distance, over nearly 6 years. Long Distance Relationships: How To Not Get Lost At Sea.

6.  Patience is like dental braces: it is ugly, it cuts you deeply, and each adjustment is just as hard as the first.  But what you earn in the process is something you will never want taken from you.

"Blood, sweat and tears", they say.  These are what life's greatest trophies have been purchased with. I could say as much for patience.  Speaking as the most impatient person on earth, learning to master patience is like learning to scuba dive or becoming an astronaut; it opens up an entirely new world of possibilities for you.

Not to mention, patience is the only way you will survive this wait.  It will present itself as the ultimate foe to you, and you will battle against it A LOT in the beginning.  But something beautiful happens when you spar with patience.  These are the stages I went through:

• Denial - There must be another way, or a way for me to cut the line, I surely will not wait this long.
• Anger - There is no POSSIBLE way they could keep us separated this long! It is BARBARIC.  
• Despair - Is there truly NO other option? Because I surely cannot wait this long.
• Cunning/bravery - If these are the cards I am to be dealt, I am going to outwit the despair.  It shall not win.  I WILL SURVIVE! (and I will also find a way to outsmart the system still) *Cue Rocky theme song*
• Despair - There is no possible way they could make me wait this long.  Are you saying the wait is really, truly, actually going to be as long as they said it would be!?
• Growth - Ok......   ........ .......     ........
• ....
• ....
  
  
• Growth -  Ok. These are the cards I have been dealt.
• Growth - This is really fucking hard.  But, we're gonna make it through this. We have each other.  At least we are not alone.
• Growth - Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.  I am proud of us. 
• Growth - Well, this wait was actually kind of a good thing.  We've been able to talk about some more difficult things, like what our budget will look like, and how we will handle finances.  We've agreed that I get 90% of the closet and you get to have video game nights each week.  We've talked about parenting styles, and even though we thought we agreed on everything, we don't.  But we see we can compromise, or we see value in the other's perspective.
• Growth - It's a damn good thing we didn't get pregnant to speed up the process.  We realize we want to travel, and enjoy our early marriage together first.  It's already been 6 months... in a few more months, we will have our decision, and then all of our future will be ours to do with, however we please.  Freedom is nigh!!
• Epiphany - I have changed.  I have muscle in parts of my soul where I only used to have weakness.  I defeated a foe I, at one point, thought I could never survive. And it wasn't even math! ;) My relationship has endured and grown in a significant period of stress.  We have a solid foundation to build forever on.
• Wisdom:  Encountering others who are in the Denial stage, and having patience with them. Being the embodiment of empathy.  Seeing through the carnage of their anguish and all the ridiculous things they are saying, and with a calm and cool voice, tell them, "You will, in fact, survive.  You will not, in fact, die."

This struggle you are enduring, is like purifying gold in the fire.  It produces a brilliance within you that you will carry with you forever. A boy scout's badge pinned to your heart.  You will not walk away from this the same person you were, nor do you want to.  It produces the same effect as depicted here, from my favorite quote of all time:

And this?  This is just the start of your wonderful journey ahead :)