Surviving A Long Distance Relationship: How To Not Get Lost At Sea

I wrote a hand-written letter to Johan last month after watching the documentary Maidentrip, and realized how very much a long distance relationship is akin to being lost at sea.

Everything begins to look monotonous. You find yourself waking up each morning hoping you can spot land... only to be let down by the unending flat line of the horizon.  The sailing is choppy at best, and even sunny days can be brutal.  You begin to wonder when you will start searching for a volleyball to name "Wilson".

9 hours of time difference. 5,490 miles apart. For 5 years, 7 months and counting, that has been Johan's and my commute.  We have never spent more than a month together at any one time.  We went 4 years before ever even meeting in person.  But over time and technologies, we have come to utilize every form of communication at our disposal. We have done everything from making videos on YouTube for one another, to designing, budgeting and building a brand new kitchen using IKEA's layout builder and GoogleDocs.   

Johan and I may not be experts, but we feel we have a bit of experience now with the difficult art of a Long Distance Relationship.  Below are the top 10 tips we can give to anyone in (or soon to be in) an LDR, to help prevent feeling "lost at sea".  Have you got any to share?

1.  Use all the free Apps you can get your hands on.

With the indescribable luxury of modern technology, it is practically inexcusable for anyone to say that physical distance can impact their ability to communicate.  The following list barely scratches the surface of what's available.  It's just simply what we've used.

What you need:  A smart phone, tablet, computer or PC

How it works:  Download any number of free communication apps onto your device.  Among them are the following:

1. Facebook
• Allows for chats and messaging w/ file sharing capabilities, voice phone calls, video phone calls, and general interaction.
• Free download / free usage
• Works great with a good-to-excellent WiFi connection or regular cell service
• Good way to document friendship, photographs and call logs
• You cannot download your call logs.  You will need to take screen shots of messages.  But Facebook retains it all - Johan and I had to go 5.5 years back into our chat history to take screenshots for our migration application.
2. WhatsApp
• Allows for voice phone calls and messaging (including voice recordings) w/ file sharing capabilities
• Free download / free usage
• Works great with good-to-excellent WiFi connection or regular cell service
• Good way to document call logs
• You can download your call and chat logs.  They will be emailed to the address you provide, however note that they will be text files and not easily formatted.
3. Viber
• ^^Same as WhatsApp
• There are some paid features, like games and "sticker" emojis
• You can email your call and chat logs to yourself.
4. Skype
• Obvi!  Allows for voice phone calls, video calls and messaging w/ file sharing capabilities
• Free download / free usage
• Also has a paid service which allows you to use Skype as a pay-as-you-go phone 
• Works great with a good-to-excellent WiFi connection or regular cell service
• We notice that Skype is the most susceptible to poor video quality, and poor/fuzzy phone quality, on a WiFi connection that is not, at the very least, "good".  Same goes for regular cell reception.  You need to have a decent connection in order for this to work.  If your service is bad, use WhatsApp
• Downloading call and chat histories for free subscriptions is damn near impossible.  
• If you download SkypeLogView, you can download and save your content in a text file, which would need to be copy/pasted into a Word doc (doesn't carry much credibility power, but it's at least an option).
• I'm sure there are other options, like this one, but I didn't feel comfortable.  SkypeLogView came recommended, and it didn't download a virus or mess with my computer at all.  It's a clean technology.
5. Google Hangouts
• Allows for voice phone calls, video calls and messaging w/ file sharing
• An additional feature that is adorable with video calls, is the free ability to change the back drops and digital costumes you can place on the screen of the person you are interacting with.
• Free download / free usage.
• Works great with a good-to-excellent WiFi connection or regular cell service
• Not sure about downloading any kind of history
6. SnapChat
• Allows for 10 second videos and pictures that disappear forever unless you take a screenshot (but be forewarned: the sender will be notified that you took the screen shot!)  You can also send chats which won't disappear if you tap on the text after receipt.
• Quick and simple way to connect with your partner during daily life.  
• You cannot download chat / picture logs
7. Google Docs
• Allows for file sharing, including shared excel spreadsheets, word documents, and other files
• Free download / free usage
• Excellent for collaborating together
• We designed, budgeted and built our own kitchen together using it!
8. Words With Friends or WordFeud
• This is just a fun way to interact without words - spoken words, that is!  There is a chat feature, but it disappears with each new game.
• Free download / free usage (free versions have ads though)
• The good part about Wordfeud is that it can be played with different languages.  Johan and I play with a Swedish dictionary, and everytime I play a word that I don't know what it means (it's funny how you can just play tiles and guess that it spells a word), I have to translate it and write it in the chat field.
9. Spotify
• Allows you to create collaborative playlists to share music with one another, or create a joint playlist like Johan and I made for songs expressing how we miss each other.
•  Free download / free usage (free version has ads though)

2.  Go on a weekly virtual date - and take it seriously.

Do not let distance prevent you from having a normal relationship.  Just as you would do together, each week have a date night.  And most importantly - take it seriously.

What you need:  Anything that allows for a video phone call, and preferably a large screen.  We use Skype on our desktop computers.  You can also use Apple TV or Google ChromeCast to broadcast the image onto your television, or else a smart phone, tablet, computer or PC.  Whatever you choose, make sure you have a high speed, high quality internet or WiFi connection

How it works: Have a video call, of course!

Tips:

1. Take it seriously.
• Set a day and time, and a length of your call -- and adhere to it.  Do this in advance, and respect the idea that you are specially setting intentional time away for your person.
2. Dress up
• Maybe not a suit and ball gown, but not yoga clothes or an old sweatshirt either.  Make yourself presentable.  Show the other person that they are worth it to you to make yourself desirable to them.
3. EYE CONTACT
• You may think that physical touch is the most impactful part of a relationship, but I would beg to differ.  You have absolutely no idea how important eye contact is.  This is why video - high quality video - is so important for these dates
4. Have something to talk about
• In real dates, you would be doing an activity together.  For video dates, the best thing you can do is eat a meal or share a drink from a distance.  To prevent the conversation from going dry, we suggest also having the following on hand:
• Buy a book of questions
• You can get these anywhere online or at the bookstore.  Or you could play the "Would You Rather" game! 
  
• Have some internet games at hand
• Johan and I like playing Battleship or Hangman or Minecraft online, when we have a dry day with nothing new to talk about.
• Download Google Earth
• Johan and I have gone on countless "Virtual Vacations" together.  We have shown each other our hometowns, and we've been to Pairs, Rome, Thailand, Istanbul... we even tried to drop into North Korea! :) All you do is drop down and share your GPS coordinates (offered in Google Earth) to your person, and they can meet you.  And you choose a direction to "walk" in, and there you go!
• Focus on the positive 
• If all else fails, try very much not to discuss how terribly you miss each other.  If you're feeling that way, you're better off having a tall glass of wine and some risque cyber sex!  And on that note....

3. Remain intimate.

I won't offer much advice here - just do what you're comfortable with.  The actual true benefit to this, is that it will significantly improve your communication skills.  The intimacy also comes with trusting each other with your thoughts, your desires, and your feelings.  You don't need physical touch in order to be intimate with someone.

I do NOT like doing this on video, so I only will partake on the phone.  Of course, boys will be boys, and they are very visual creatures.  So, try to find a compromise between what you're comfortable with, and your partner's needs.  This would also be the case in the bedroom, so distance relationships are really no different.

A distance relationship that lacks some form of intimacy runs a risk of converting just to a distance friendship. Love is one thing, but people also have physical needs, and each couple needs to be sensitive to that and make "unique" compromises.

4. Communicate daily, or as frequently as possible.

Johan opening a package I sent him.

Strive to have meaningful contact on a daily, regular basis. Understand that you each may be in different time zones, with different reception options. Yes, it may be difficult, and inconvenient.  But, however you define "meaningful", stick to it.

Aside from sending SnapChats and WhatsApp messages throughout the day, and a multi-hour Skype date on the weekends, Johan and I talk for 1 hour on my lunch break (his after-dinner time), and sometimes for 1 hour as he drives to work each morning (my after-dinner time), every weekday.

5. Send each other gifts.

We call it the "Bae Box" (don't blame him; it was my fault for naming it that!).  Every month that we aren't visiting each other, we send each other a little box full of goodies that remind us of each other.  Photographs, cute things we know the other will enjoy, things we know will make the other smile, handmade gifts, a hand-written letter... we try to keep the cost value down, and the sentimental value up.  We aim for them to arrive on or around the same day, and we open them together during our weekly date video call.

6. SnapChat is amazing - USE IT.

What better way to make your person feel like they are a part of your everyday life, than SnapChat.  A quick picture of the market, the traffic you're stuck in, how messy your room is, how beautiful your face is.... :) It's a very efficient way to stay connected even without words or a conversation.

7. Have an abundance of compassion, patience, and understanding of each other's circumstance.

I will neither confirm nor deny that LDRs make girls a little cray ;)

No, but seriously. You need to be a little more sensitive than usual of your partner's circumstances and feelings while being in an LDR. Particularly consider the reason why you are apart.  Being separated can create its own pit falls.  People find themselves in LDRs because of school, work, family crises, they are waiting for paperwork to process, war, leisure travel (where one gets left behind), or simply because you two met and just live in different locations.  

Each of these scenarios brings it's own mixture of feelings.  For example: If you partner is studying at school, be mindful of their actual need for sleep and study time, and workouts; even when they have a day off from class, try not to expect them to spend the whole day with you on the phone.  Another example: If you are leisure traveling, be mindful not to always sound so excited about your adventures. It is really easy to alienate your person if they feel completely left out and hear how much fun you are having apart from them.

Sometimes it's really hard to think rationally or selflessly, when you are missing someone. Remember that.

Each of you will invariably go through times where you feel like crap and talking about it is the last thing you want to do.  You will reeeeeally need to get to know yourself, because there are times when bringing up a subject or feeling will not be productive via the phone... and other times when you shouldn't hold it in.  

8. NEVER HANG UP ON A BAD NOTE.

ALWAYS resolve matters before hanging up.  This requires no further explanation.

9. Find an expressive outlet.

Some people already have an artistic passion, or just need one thing to help clear and focus their minds. For others, you may find you are unfortunately a right-brained person in a left-brained world, and you require ALL the artistic outlets to suppress the overflow of emotion you have on the inside.... like me :)

Whatever it is, find "that thing" that will help you clear your mind, organize your thoughts, and exhaust you of whatever you are feeling.  Some suggestions:

• Take up an instrument
• Even if it's downloading a house music program that allows you to make your own electronic mixes.
• Start a blog, a diary, or even a YouTube channel
• Write out or record everything you are going through.  You can make these private so only you have access to them.  Trust me - it helps you cut through the feelings and make sense of the world.  It gives you a sense of control, and a memento to have for it.
• Take up painting
• Or ceramics, or animation, or gardening, or furniture restoration, or photography.  I've dappled in all of these.  I have made music videos to inspire myself, and bought a sewing machine to make my own yoga bag (which I started selling to friends for a profit!). Putting your hands to work in order to create something brings with it an inherent sense of accomplishment, and something positive and therapeutic to divert yourself with.
• Learn to cook
• Not only is it fun, but it is incredibly useful and an impressive skill.  It's also a great way to bond with friends - having them over for a home cooked meal can be therapeutic.  (If you're vegan, vegetarian or plant-based, feel free to check out some of my recipes on Instagram!)
• Get into something athletic
• Whether it's hiking, practicing yoga, or getting into trail running, exercise is a great way to feel good about yourself, clear your mind, and workout your emotions. The endorphins will give you a natural high, and the knowledge of knowing you're working toward a better body has its benefits too ;)

Whatever it is, find a thing (or things) that allow you to convert anything and everything you are feeling on the inside, to a tangible form.  Feelings can sometimes be very difficult to communicate or understand, and art is a wonderful form of free self-help.  This blog is "that thing" for me, right now :)

10. Travel together!!

This is the best one! Always ALWAYS do your best to be together physically, for as often as work, school, visa limits, and/or your budget allows. 

Traveling with one another is not just great for spending time with one another, but also: 

Traveling as a couple allows you to learn a lot about each other that you wouldn't otherwise learn in your own native, comfortable environments.  

Just like how LDRs let you grow in an unusual way, travel allows you to learn such things as trouble shooting together in a foreign country, developing and trusting each other's sense of guidance, exploring each other's levels of adventure and comfort, bonding over unspeakably awesome sunrises, and even seeing each other through awful hangovers or food poisoning (lol!).

Johan and I are quite opposite in several ways with respect of travel;  I am an insane planner, and he is the exact opposite. I am a super budgeter, and he is a super spender. I like to get up at 5am and go 1,000,000 miles per hour, while he likes to sleep in.  Just through travel alone, we have worked through these inherent differences between us and found ways to compromise, find balance, and see merit in "doing it their way" sometimes.  We have also been able to find areas of strength and reliability in each other, that we lack within ourselves - and we wouldn't have known this to its full extent, without exploring it in the travel settings that we did.

These skills we have developed during travel alone, spill into every other facet of our lives - even the mundane and ordinary "regular life" areas.  It has made us a much stronger couple.

One piece of advice I would like to share on this topic: Don't be afraid to spend money on travel, especially if its with your partner. You are developing your relationship, you are developing yourself, and you are getting a fantastic life experience.  Don't be irresponsible, but also make sure to LIVE.  If your time together is limited, make it a celebration <3

Johan and I on Highway 1 just south of Big Sur, California