The moment I waited 13.5 months for: THE DECISION!

It has been a long, and over-joyously overwhelming week this week.  I feel like I have lived a full life just in the past 5 days!!

Monday February 29 2016, at 8:36am....

....a moment I have been waiting 13 months, 1 week and 6 days for finally came: Johan and I received our decision.  !!!  And I want to log every glorious, manic moment of this whole past week so that I can release it from my cluttered mind and revisit it when I am ready.

Earlier that morning...

The day started just like every other day of the previous several weeks: I woke up early (4:30am), picked up my phone, and scanned it for any signs of Johan screaming at me that we received the decision! (We had always assumed he would get an email or phone call at the same time as I would.) But, just like every other morning, there was nothing. Just a couple SnapChats and a few "I love you's".  My heart sank - just as it always would - that we didn't get any news; and I fell into the usual disappointment. I then scanned my phone and checked up on the 33 Facebook notifications I had, taking screenshots of all the decisions and interview email updates from the "I väntan på familjen" Facebook group so I could update the spreadsheet later in the morning when I logged onto work.

I waited for the clock to run down until I knew Johan could talk, and then I called him to say good morning.  I still had hope that maybe he had good news but was waiting to share with me when I woke up.  But - again - he did not.

"Still nothing?" I asked him.
"Well, I have good news and bad news." He said.  "The bad news is that we don't have a decision yet.  The good news is that I called Örebro again today and talked to the team leader.  She said that while she cannot tell us what day, she told us we would definitely be getting our decision this week."

My heart leaped straight out of my chest, up my throat and out of my mouth.  I remember starting to shake and cry almost immediately.  Between the hormones, the exhaustion, getting hit by a car, and the desperation of just needing this wait to be over, I have had very little control over avoiding breakdowns lately.  I had been strong for so long, holding everything together so tightly, but those final weeks were a wreck; everything inside of me was breaking down, and I was losing the will to suck it up and bring everything back together.

The moment the Infamous Decision was delivered

After we hung up the phone, I took a hopeful, anxious, impatient breath, and sat up.  After all, it was Monday morning and the show had to go on.  Eventually I rolled out of bed, walked over to my home office, logged on, and started working.

About an hour passed. Johan and I had just spoken shortly ago and I knew he was on his way home, and I also knew he wasn't quite home yet and was likely in the woods with no reception. So, when I saw him calling me on his regular cell line (and not WhatsApp), one million thoughts flooded my mind.  For some reason, in the flash of a second, I had it in my mind that he had possibly received news on our case, and that we maybe had the decision.  In the next flash of a second, I looked up at my internet browser to the tab that had my gmail open. It said I had 2,074 unread emails, and I knew that just a moment ago it had said 2,073.

The same second I answered his call, I clicked on the gmail tab of my web browser and there it was, top row, a new unread message:  A message from the Swedish Migration Board.

Understand, this all happened within fractions of a second.  I instantly started to sob the very second Johan answered the phone. I let everything go.  Everything in my body, heart, mind and soul released all in the flash of a moment, and the genuine heaving sobs I felt were so strong and so real and so unplanned for that I couldn't even breathe.  

I thought Johan knew; I thought he was calling me because he had received the same email.  I had expected him to do the talking.  But -- he didn't.  He hadn't received a single thing (turns out that since I never gave him Power of Attorney, only I -- as the non-EU original applicant -- was notified that a decision was made).  So you can imagine when he called me just to make sure I had gotten out of bed on time, and I answered whilst dry heaving on the other line of the phone and incapable of explaining was I was sobbing, that I completely and totally freaked him out.  He thought I had miscarried!!

Declaring the news to Johan!

I realized in that moment that I HAD to force words out of my mouth.  So, I mustered up all the pent up exasperation in my heart to say to Johan, "I got an email."

"From who? Migrations?!" He said with anxious disbelief.
"Yes.  And I'm too scared to open it."  I said.
"When did you get it??" He asked.
"Just right now, I thought you were calling to tell me we had got a decision, and when I went to answer the phone I checked my emails to see for myself."
"I was just calling to tell you I love you and make sure you had gotten up!" He said. "Have you opened the email? What does it say!? OPEN IT.!"

So I opened it.  The first whole half was in Swedish (and I thought the whole thing was in Swedish) so I screamed, "Give me a minute, I need to read it slowly!" He was like, "Forward it to me too!!" Hahahaha.

I knew that avgjorts meant "settled", and that's all I needed to see.  

"Johan...." I said while choking on my tears "....we have our decision."

What happened next...

We both simultaneously went back and forth between crying, and shocked silence.  It was a moment that was even more powerful than the day we got the pregnancy test results back 2 months ago.  I also ended up throwing up, I had gotten myself into such a fit.

But looking at the clock, I realized almost immediately that I had less than 30 minutes to call the Swedish Embassy in Washington D.C. before they closed for the day (you can only call to hear the results of your decision between 11am - 12pm east coast time.  WTF!)  So I immediately called, figured out the visa phone number, called that number, and sat on hold.  I was shaking and crying and couldn't control myself and I didn't WANT to control myself!

The poor woman who answered my call must have thought I was insane (I didn't even explain to her that I had only JUST received the decision).  All I could say was, "I am calling for the result of my application, my case number is ########." She looked it up, and I could hear a giggle in her voice because she knew how excited I was.

She said, "How long have you been waiting for?"
"13.5 months, and I'm pregnant - I am so sorry I can't control myself right now!"
"Well, I have good news - your decision is positive.  So, go pack your bags now.  Welcome to Sweden."

SOBBING.

MORE INCREDULOUS SOBBING.

I called Johan, and we both enjoyed such an overpowering feeling of relief and disbelief that we had made it.  Our time had finally come.  Everything we had fought so hard for, for the past 13.5 months, everything we had dreamed and fantasized about, cried in desperation over, and mustered all of our heart and soul to get through.... had finally come to an end.  

It is a feeling I cannot describe with human words.  And strangely enough, even 5 days later, I am still in shock and disbelief, with waves of unbelievable joy washing over me.  I go to bed thinking about it in my last moments of the day, and wake up with the unbelievable joy of the fortune before us every morning. It is a sensation that has not lost it's steam, has not lost its magic, and I can visit it at any point of the day (just like I had grown accustomed to visiting my pain every moment of every day for the past 13.5 months) to get a fresh drink of that fountain of happiness.

A few thoughts...

I had this feeling building up over the past 6 weeks that this process had done irreparable damage to me.  I began to fear that I had a permanent sleeping disorder, and also I feared that the decision would not bring me relief.  I felt like at the point I was at, I was so lost in my anger and pain that the decision would do nothing but remind me of how ruined I was on the inside.

But that was not the case; I was merely exhausted.  I had stretched myself too thin... between the pain, and being so involved in the process, and having a growing fetus that was demanding everything from me, I just simply had nothing left.  I wasn't breaking; I was just breaking down.  

In the immediate moments following the decision, I bounced right back.  I was like one of those small sponges crammed into a capsule and completely dehydrated... but the moment the capsule is dropped in water, I breaks free of the capsule and explodes into its normal free form.

I have slept every night this week without medication, my hair already seems to not be falling out so much, and I have had nothing but happy things to focus on.  

Which leads us to the following huge developments :)
On the Tuesday following our decision, I went into work early.  I arrived at 5:30a, grabbed my box of tissues, and walked right into my boss's office.  I sat down, and delivered a speech I had been envisioning for just as long as I had been waiting for the decision: that I planned on moving, and I planned on moving soon.

3 months and already showing! :O

I was hoping my work would let me continue after I departed, but my timing was bad; 3 other people left the company the week prior to my talk with the boss, and it was enough to be a catalyst for a re-organization. If they hadn't have left, I think things would have been much different. But my wonderful company, bless their hearts, agreed on a 4-month severance package, and gave me permission to leave when I wanted. The next morning, Johan and I booked my first (and last??) one-way ticket, scheduled for the last week of March.  Just a couple weeks away!!

My family had been anticipating this moment for a while, so my sister is organizing a baby shower for me that will double as a going away party.  We decided it was better for Johan to not fly out here to help me move -- partly because of cost, and the other part being that I have very little to bring with me.  My dad has agreed to buy my car (which is getting some damages fixed because of the car accident I was in).

It's crazy to think that within 24 hours, I had effectively quit my job and booked a one-way ticket for 2.5 weeks in the future, but.... that's what happened! All I have are 2 more doctor's appointments to check Little Boo's growth inside of me, and to pack a few suitcases.  I have already moved almost everything I own to Sweden through visits Johan and I did while we waited, so I really have just a little packing left to do.  My work is throwing me a going away party in about a week and a half, and my last day of work is the 18th!  Eeek!

I can't wait to write about the process going forward, after the decision.  And I still plan on maintaining the spreadsheet just as before, especially since I will be unemployed until Little Boo joins us in this world :)

And now... a celebratory parade of blooper photos of Johan and I over the years!
We have a lot of fun together :) <3 <3 <3 <3