Surprises, Fatigue, and Updates On Our Case... oh my!

Surprises

At 8.5 weeks <3

Now that we are close to being out of the "danger zone" I am beyond thrilled to report that I am pregnant!!  Officially 10 weeks and 2 days :) 

This was a planned event; Johan and I have been talking about it for almost a full year. We decided when I was with him for a month over the holidays, that we should give it a try.  Due to a few health factors, I have been told that my chances for natural conception and carrying a pregnancy full term are quite low.  I turn 33 this year and I'll be damned if Migrationsverket takes away our chances of having a child.  My doctors told me it could take years to conceive, so you can imagine our shock when, on my last day before flying home, Johan brought the pregnancy test into the living room with a look of wild shock and shouted, "IT'S POSITIVE!" Ahhhhh what a moment.  He was as pale as a ghost and couldn't stop saying, "What the f*ck? What the f*ck!" in a mixture of shock and excitement and more shock.  I jumped off the couch and grabbed him and starting laughing and crying at the same time and just kept saying, "I knew it! I knew it!!"  We ran all the way in the middle of the night and in a snow storm to the farm next door where Johan's parents live, and declared the happy news.  And then I called my sister while he called his sisters, and it was just... a night I'll never forget.  My sister started to cry instantly, and that whole final night we spent together was magical.  It was exactly our 1-year application anniversary, and now immortalized even more by learning we had created a new human :)

Fatigue

I have been DYING.  The nausea and food aversions were one thing (I never really got sick to my stomach but I am still 6 lbs underweight as I try to recover from not eating for several weeks), but the first trimester exhaustion has been almost unlivable.  I need almost 15-16 hours of sleep every day to keep going.  My workouts have suffered, I feel increased pressure at work, and on top of it all, I am getting a bit desperate for this wait to be over.  Not that I haven't been throughout the entire duration of this wait.... but, I am simply at my end.  I feel I have very little left to give.  I have been able to maintain my involvement in all the support communities up until now, but I am getting to the point of not being able to physically or emotionally handle it anymore.

I want very badly to keep the spreadsheet a main priority, but I find myself falling behind.  My inbox on The Local, on Facebook, and even my comments sections here on this blog have suffered a little. I have generated a lot of energy for myself over the past 6 months by actually giving of myself; but now, this little creature inside of me takes everything it needs and what is left over is barely enough to keep me alive.  I am still aware of my own advice and I hear the cheerleader telling me the end is near inside my mind, but to be frank, I feel increasingly broken.  My enthusiasm and ability to help people is suffering, and I feel both exhausted and guilty all at the same time.  And, of course, desperate for this experience to finally be over.  I just need it to be over.  I have fought a good fight, and I simply need the finish line now. Which brings us to the last point....

Updates On Our Case

In 3 days, Johan and I will be celebrating 13.5 months of waiting.  We have learned a few things about our case.

Two weeks ago, exactly on our 13th month of waiting, I called Johan and I was pretty pissed off.  Part of the penance I pay for being so involved in the spreadsheet is that I am constantly (constantly) exposed to application timelines.  I prepared my heart many months ago to expect to see people who applied after me to get their decision before me.  It happens to us all. But when I see those random cases that get early decisions (like, 8 months or shorter), it really weighs on me.  Two weeks ago we saw a spat of cases get approved in 3-4 months, and in a hormonal rage, I called Johan and begged him to call MV.  I even sent in my first JO complaint! Don't mess with a pregnant woman, hahaha.  

So, he called MV gently for an accounting of our case.  We had officially waited 13 months, and felt like we were due for an update.  I prepared Johan; I told him to not bother asking about the waiting times because what kundtjänst says varies so widely that it cannot be trust.  I told him that if he calls, ONLY ask if we have a beslutsfattande handläggare (a decision making case officer) and, if so, where they were located.

Well, it turns out that the woman on the phone said we did have a beslutsfattare, but she couldn't find a phone number for him.  So she gave us his email, and the names and phone numbers of 2 team leaders at the Örebro office, where he is at.

Johan emailed the beslutsfattare, but got no response.  So he called one of the team leaders and they confirmed that he is indeed a beslutsfattare, and the reason he doesn't have a phone number was because he was so new that they hadn't even set one up for him yet.

A couple days later, my friend Tricia (who applied 5 days before me) found out she had the same exact case officer! She waited and waited, but it came down to her having a flight to Sweden in 6 hours and they still hadn't heard back from him.  She had her boyfriend call the Örebro office to see if there was anything that could be done or if they needed to cancel the flight, and 2 hours later they received their decision.  But what was strange, was that the website still said the decision was pending.  Finally, the next day, the website was updated, but it said that the decision was reached 4 days earlier than they were even informed it was done.  

You can imagine my panic.  A new case officer, and a case that seemed to have received a decision and then was forgotten about until the couple called to check on it.  Wtf!!

Well, a few days later Johan called again.  We learned some more info: Our case had the "draft write-up" already completed, and just needed approval.  We asked what this meant, and the girl said that since this case officer was so new, all of his decisions needed to be approved by his Team Leader before they could be final.  So this explained why Tricia's decision was reached 4 days before the Team Leader notified them that the decision had been reached. Relief!  But then we learned that the case officer was now out sick, and the Team Leader was going to be on vacation for the entire week.

As fate should have it, I learned that another friend I have made in this process who applied 6 days after me, has also been assigned the same case officer at Örebro! (God... how many cases does this guy have on his desk!??)  We shared information, and she told me that, apparently, this guy was hired or promoted on 1 January 2016, and that his probation would end on 1 March 2016.  Which means as of next Tuesday (our 13,5 months of waiting anniversary) his decisions will be final and won't require secondary approval by the Team Leader.  But since he already did a draft of our case during the probation, we're pretty sure our case will be stuck on the Team Leader's desk for review.  The guy returned to work last Thursday but his Team Leader doesn't return from vacation until this Monday, and the case officer earns autonomy the following Tuesday. We feel trapped, and it seems like we have at least a week more of limbo with nothing more to do but wait for the Team Leader to finally get around to our case.

So, that's where we are now.

I know that there are plenty of worse things to complain about.  I have met couples that are only just now preparing to submit their applications.  I know couples who "only" applied last fall and they are in the throes of having already waited 4-6 months and sense that feeling that it has already been such an eternity that they've been waiting, but they aren't even close to being halfway through.  I know how that feels.  I know how every single stage of this wait feels, because I lived it.  There were no loopholes, no easy ways out, no exceptions, no shortcuts.  For those of us whose relationships survive this wait, we will all make it to the finish line in more or less the same amount of time; it's the condition we arrive in, which varies.  This process requires the strength of 1,000 armies to avoid as many of the breakdowns that can plague each month.

I promised to be honest during this wait, and have been meaning to log a lot of the uglier things about this experience.  I feel like the majority of my posts make me sound like a bouncing, happy person who is always positive and hopeful.  There are times that I very much am, but they are a conscious decision to be that way.  Every single day of this wait, the darkness and rage and depression have chewed at my edges.  The simple realization that no amount of crying or complaining will change anything makes me see that all of it is mostly a waste of human energy that I don't have.  I don't have time to be negative; I must force myself to see the light lest I go blind by the pessimism.  80% of this process is toxic; the remaining 20% can combat it equally, if you can keep a strong and level head.

But not every day can be a motivational speech.  It's just that on the days that I am at my darkest level, I don't have the energy to word the pain correctly.  I go speechless.  I get kind of trapped or paralyzed... stuck between an uncontrollable downward spiral into despair, and an awareness that there is no point to talk about it, cry about it, or fight against it, because it will make no difference.  In those moments, acceptance becomes both a friend and a foe; a friend in a sense that it can bring a numbness to save the energy spent crying, but also a dire awareness that not a single thing about me matters in this world.  I suppose we should all have that humility and it's a good lesson to learn, but I have never gotten accustomed to how utterly powerless I am in trying to save myself.  Migrationsverket has me on a leash, strung up by my feet, and no matter how I thrash, I will still not be able to touch the ground again until they decide they are ready to let me down.

The pregnancy hormones and exhaustion have no doubt made these feelings extremely acute.  I got hit by a car 4 days ago and felt the fear of god in me... that any day I could be put in a position of having everything taken from me -- my unborn child, my own life -- while I sit in this fucked up queue for over a year, waiting for some person behind a desk to decide whether I'm allowed to continue my life.  I know it's their job and I know it's necessary and I know it's not their fault and I know I'm hormonal and I know a lot of things.  I'm tired of "knowing things".  I want to go back to that place I had before this hell, when I had peace and balance in my life.  I want to be reunited with my family member and carry on with my life; I am tired of worrying about losing my job, my child, my mind or my life as I slave away each and every day to force myself to see purpose in this, strive to find consolation in the joy of helping other people, and lie to myself that I'll be able to go back to normal after making it through to the end.  I have permanently changed; I worry that I will never be able to sleep normally again.